The 355 (Kinberg, 2022)
The 355 is a new movie only in the sense that it has not been previously released in the United States and is not a remake. Beyond that, it is generic to point of abstraction, cobbled together from shots and scenes you have most likely seen in other (I won’t even say “better”) movies. There’s a scene where a bad guy threatens to kill an innocent unless the good character hands over the MacGuffin device. There is another where the hero tries to persuade a long-time partner or ally to “get back in the game” because “I can’t do this without you.” (Those aren’t necessarily exact quotes — but you get the idea.) There’s an auction where some innocuous art object hides a more valuable MacGuffin device. There are lots of crack shooters who suddenly miss when the plot needs them to miss or who are willing to shoot into a crowd after they weren’t willing to do the same five minutes earlier.
By the time the film is half done, you may wonder if you have actually seen it before. Maybe it was a remake? (It all seems so familiar.) Or maybe you just saw the trailer a dozen times before and are remembering that. A year from now, you may see the DVD in Redbox and ask your spouse, “Did we see that?” She (or he) will most likely shrug. Who can keep them all straight?
The strangest part of The 355 is that for the first twenty to thirty minutes, its mediocrity is weirdly comforting. With theaters closing and opening and closing intermittently, each “new” film is a drop of mercury in the cultural barometer. Is the theatrical experience done for good? Can movie theaters be saved? One historically doesn’t expect January releases to be very good because if they were they would have come out in time for awards season. So it is nice to just watch a generic movie from time to time and have a generic movie experience…one that doesn’t necessarily have to justify the simple pleasure of going to the movies.
But there is a telling lack of fun or joy surrounding the whole enterprise. The significant assemblage of talent never quite gels, and at times I wondered if they got any direction at all. (Simon Kinberg is more accomplished as a producer than director, so perhaps he’s better at putting a team together than communicating a creative vision to them. Chastain and Kruger look and sound like they are in a Bourne movie, while Stan and Fan would look more at home in a 70s or 80s James Bond flick. Cruz meanwhile opts for emotional (at least) realism, though we never quite believe that she (or any of the innocents) are in real danger. This isn’t the sort of film where innocent people die, so spend significant portions of it wringing your hands in worried anticipation? Even the comeuppance scene where the villain finally gets what’s coming feels forced. Don’t even award yourself bonus points if you immediately spot how and when he will be the instrument of his own demise.
There is nothing terribly wrong with The 355, but in an age where people need an actual reason to go to the movies, there’s nothing that even attempts to be above-average either.
